Take advantage of those moments where you’re able to step outside of yourself and look out you in all of your happiness. Sometimes, life happens so fast that you never get to appreciate the slightest joys. So seize the moment while you have it.

Advertisements

Heaven

I long for a heaven that’s out of reach. One that, no matter how many times you pray, you’ll never see. And I wish that I could grow back my angel wings because I long for my home. I crave the feeling of clouds under my feet; I miss the sounds of silky smooth silence that seemed to sing and the same time. The air vibrates with a calm that could end all of my anxieties and I wish that it would all come back to me. I wish that I could climb the layers of the sky and boost myself up on the stars because home is where the heart is and I left it in heaven. I felt it as it fell out of my grasp, as I fell away from my home. Heaven is my home and I long for it so bad.

Perhaps this is a reminder to myself but I feel I should say this:

It is okay to feel.

You can feel good things, you can feel bad things, you feel so many things that it almost feels like nothing at all, you can feel so little that it almost feels like you feel nothing at all. And it is absolutely okay to feel like this or be in these states of emotion. Your feelings and emotions are 1000% valid and that will never change. So laugh, cry, hurt, live: it is okay to do that.

No Shut-Eye

I miss the smell of Evergreens trees, the sounds of falling Autumn leaves, the feel of the evening breeze, because I don’t get those anymore;

I miss looking out from the top floor of my house and seeing my neighbor’s daughter and watching the deer trot across the lawn at night, because I don’t see those anymore;

I miss the sound of the driveway gravel, the pitter patter of my cat’s paws, the taste of morning tea stinging my tongue because this never happens anymore.

They say you don’t know what you have until it’s gone and in some literal sense, I disagree.

Because I know that every morning, I groaned at the sounds of people buzzing around the house when I wanted to sleep in. The noon anticipation of waiting for time to tick down so I could clock out and go home. The evening wind-down as I prepared to embrace my beloved pillows once more.

I knew and expected this repetition each and every day.

But I don’t have this anymore.

I sleep well after the house has emptied out and everyone has gone about their day. And I watched the minutes tick by, waiting for an opportunity to clock in. And I dread the evening as I know I’ll lie awake, drowning in my depressive habits.

I know and expect this repetition each and every day.

And I wish it would stop.

In some literal sense, the future me will reflect on this and say “I know what I had and

I’m glad it’s gone”, the same way I do now.

But I don’t think that me will feel the same lackluster, mediocracy I feel myself losing myself in.

I believe the phrase should be more like… “You don’t appreciate what you have until there’s nothing left to appreciate.”

Because we live in a world where if it cannot be taken literally, it should not be spoken or written.

And if I should take this statement literally, I promise you I can ever so strongly agree.

I can remember sitting in my old room, staring out of my old window, watching as the snow fell over our old yard and oh how I miss it.

I can remember those old stairs that I made a point to wear socks while using because that old house was too old to hold heat and in some strange way, I miss it.

I can remember that old cat scratching at my old foam yoga mat in the late hours of the night and as much as I hated it, oh how I miss it.

But it won’t happen anymore.

Not now.

There are no trees outside of my one window for me to watch collect snow.

There are no stairs that are uncarpeted and no need to wear socks in the colder seasons.

There is no cat, there is no yoga mat, and there certainly is no sleeping earlier than 2 o’ clock a.m.

Because this won’t happen. Not anymore.

 

The Clichés I’ll Never Tell

I loved her like the moon loves the sun.

She fluoresced like the stars and burned with bright passion. Her heart was as big as galaxies and her mind expanded farther. She held and iridescence that allured me more with each glance. And her radiance could blind a man foolish enough to stare.

Still I watched her bloom into beauty and dared to touch her hand.

An energy surges through me every time I feel her warmth. It blankets my heart and calms my anxiety. I worry one day she would burn out. Yet, each night I see her in the sky. And as I whisper my prayers, she whispers a sweet “I love you” and watches me as I sleep.