Don’t let popularity guilt-trip you.

The fact that a certain item or activity gets so much attention can give weight to exclusion. But the reality is not everyone can always be apart of everything every time. Remember that it’s okay not to be able to go to that event; it’s okay that you can’t do this particular thing; it’s okay that you don’t know this particular person or item. It is okay not to be in or “hip”, and you should not let this instance guilt you into forcing it to happen in the future or allowing it power over you.

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KCZ Archives: Medicinal Love

“Medicinal Love” by KillerCatZiller via Wattpad.comScreaming Silence” (original poem with light editing)

Years ago I was asked “why do you need a boyfriend if you’re not constantly kissing up on his face?”
Years ago I didn’t have an answer.

To me, love was a word before its time; intimacy was a naively used term that was the premature word for what is now known
As love
To me, it was ‘kiss me or miss me’
If you had me at all.
I didn’t know what tolerance was
I never heard of romantic patience
What did it mean to be in love, if “love” didn’t mean touch?
What was it to be romantic if you weren’t tangled in each other’s legs?

Years ago I didn’t know I would grow to find a new definition;
Years ago I didn’t know what I learned.
Years ago, I didn’t know why I wanted or needed a significant other
But that was years ago.

Time has trained me to believe that sleeping with scars is the definition of true love.
Pain has shown me that an hour long make-out session is not what romantic patience is.

“How can someone love you if you cannot love yourself” is a misunderstood and abused statement.
You love yourself through someone else.
That is why they are there.
Through another pair of eyes, you see how intricate your scars are
You see how much time was taken to stitch each one up

The definition of love is not “to be infatuated”;
To love is to be blinded from the physical, lusting only after the strengths and abilities of the mind
Of the heart.

Your soulmate is meant to weave perfectly with the layers of your innermost fears,
Curing your pain with each maneuver, with each pattern
Love is not sex-driven complement
Love is a metaphysical medicine;
Swallowed hard with each glance, made bitter with each struggle, with a spoonful of sugar added through every “I love you”

If you cannot reduce yourself to humbly be the perfect doctor of a terminally ill patient
You cannot know love.

Years ago, I was asked why I developed what I thought was a love interest
Years ago, I was just learning to spell love.
Now, I fluidly speak the language;
And years later,
“Love” will become a mother tongue.

Dear Future Me

This year was a little different. There was a lot of adjusting that had to take place because of so much change. And while I can’t say I was happy the entire time, I won’t say each event hasn’t pushed something out of me.

There’s a lot of goals I have, that I’ve always had, and now I just have new motivation to chase them. The fear of dissatisfaction will always be a lurking entity that I won’t be able to shake until I get to where I want to be. At least right now, though, I’m happy with who I am and where I’m headed.

A note to future me from your old self:

Always look up. This is a nasty habit that me, the old you, has and always has had. You’ll never get where you want to be if you’re not looking where you’re going. The ground has nothing to offer you other than keeping you attached to the Earth’s crust. Trust yourself. Trust your intelligence, your confidence, and your intuition. You got this.

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Caption: The truth is, I wasn’t sure what to post, but the short version is: happy (belated) birthday.

Heaven

I long for a heaven that’s out of reach. One that, no matter how many times you pray, you’ll never see. And I wish that I could grow back my angel wings because I long for my home. I crave the feeling of clouds under my feet; I miss the sounds of silky smooth silence that seemed to sing and the same time. The air vibrates with a calm that could end all of my anxieties and I wish that it would all come back to me. I wish that I could climb the layers of the sky and boost myself up on the stars because home is where the heart is and I left it in heaven. I felt it as it fell out of my grasp, as I fell away from my home. Heaven is my home and I long for it so bad.