Brain Drain: 6.13.2017 18:30

I’ve been so evasive lately…

I’m not quite sure what exactly is going on with me or in my head, but I haven’t been up to doing much else than lying around and doing the same things cyclically.

Wake up. Stare. Check phone. Switch app. Switch app. Check time. Look for food. Do not eat. Check phone. You Tube? Check time. Shower. Check phone. Switch app. Switch app. Switch app. Sleep. Repeat.

I’ve been avoiding this platform; I’ve avoiding the outer world. And the more my mind runs over those two things, the worse the feelings get.

I miss my friends so much and I want to see them. I want to hug them. I miss their laughter. But I can’t bring myself to step outside of this depressive cycle I’ve been trapped in. I’m not sure how long it’s been since it began but perhaps that doesn’t matter. I want it to end and I’m not sure how to do that.

Every time I think about doing something new, I cringe in discomfort. I gag in rejection. I scoff in denial.

I miss writing. I miss sharing the little things that I found interesting. I miss servicing an entirely different writing venue but I haven’t been able to function in the normalities of myself…

Yeka. I’m sorry…

I’ve visited WordPress so many times within the timespan of my last post to now and I haven’t written anything.

The truth is I’m trying to cope. There’s just a lot of change going on right now and none of it is in my favor. Physically; professionally; academically; financially; socially; mentally; emotionally. It’s all a huge toll on me as a whole and I’ve pulled back from life entirely.

I hate that I’m in this state of mind but it’s about time I’ve said the other half. Not the part that’s immediately relevant to the changes; not the part that wanted to cry; not the part that’s arguably dramatic.

The executive part.

The part that’s trying to get over it; the part that’s trying to adapt; the part that’s screaming “we get it, it sucks, but it’s time to come back to reality”…

Because I miss reality. Where the things that I love are. The things I love doing; the people I love seeing; the places I love going…

I want to surface from this and I’m trying so hard but it feels like I’m not even moving. I’m pushing to go forward but I feel I’m going backwards. But if improvement means static for even a little…

So be it.


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