Venting: Shut Up and Deal With It

I’ve been… better…

vent

I’ve been happier, cheerier, in higher spirits. I’ve seen days where the only thing on my mind is how to make others feel as great as I do. But as of late, I don’t feel the same fiery joy that I’ve had the pleasure of enjoying before now. I don’t want to say, “I don’t know why I feel like this” because that’d be an outright lie; I know why I’ve been antisocial lately, I know why I haven’t been feeling adequate enough, I know all of this. I just don’t know why I can’t get over it as easily as I’ve taught myself to – it hurts almost because I felt I’ve worked so hard to better myself at doing exactly that, at feeling less…

I had high hopes for this semester, for this year. But the more it progresses, the more I lose that hope, that bright hope, that I held so close to my heart. I yearned for the change so bad. Now it feels like it’s not even there. I’m not surprised; a strand of good has a caboose with a loose wheel, always. This is never not the case. I want to look up and I want to see light again. I want to be able to wake up for more than three days straight and say, “Today’s gonna be a great day”. I’d love to look at things I’ve done and call it amazing without an ounce of doubt in my mind…

My expressiveness has been mood-point crafts and filling my time with schoolwork to avoid thought; the more down time I have, the more vulnerable I am. I hate that. I hate that this is how I am. I hate that this is what I have to deal with. And I feel like I’m whining the entire time.

“This? People are dealing with worse. Suck it up.”

I have been. I don’t want to anymore…

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