Here & Now


This post is long overdue, so it will probably run long. Nevertheless, here’s how I’ve been.


The Knocks

School is usually the biggest priority in my life and is equally as stressful (if not, more). My first semester as a college student was rocky but it went by and ended on a relatively good note. It was the first time in perhaps five or more years I was content with my final grades. The funniest class to me was English. It always felt like a waste of tuition and time to me but I held my peace and just allowed it to blow over. In summary, the professor believed I was an A student but didn’t show it very well in the classroom – which is a fair statement. For some reason still unknown to me, I fall asleep in class and all the sleep and bedtime schedules in the world haven’t been able to change it. I told her that but she still held a tone of mild disappointment in the behavior. She couldn’t stop asking about whether writing comes easy to me, however… I couldn’t stop thinking about the first day of class: we did an exercise where we shared facts about ourselves, one of mine being my passion for writing. C’est la vie… In short, my work paid off in large amounts unexpected and I am – for once – proud of it all.

School ended about two weeks before Christmas. So I had two weeks to myself, to relax, mentally detox, and simply breathe.


The Saturday following, my friends had planned a hangout. In my opinion, it couldn’t have been better timed. There was a little stress following but in the moment, it was nice and a much needed breather. One of those present came all the way from down south for their winter break from school as well and it was nice to see them for the first time in a while. We mainly spent the time watching YouTube or Netflix, someone’s video gameplay, lying around, and just plainly enjoying each other’s company and the soothing, relaxed atmosphere. At one point, I followed Panda downstairs to accompany him in making brownies. I didn’t directly assist in the making part but it was a little fun to watch him stress over the way the brownies were going (and then gloat over the second batch). I was given more than I was able to eat – which doesn’t imply a lack of attempt; I was determined to eat as much as I could. Later, we all played Uno – by which I mean trying to figure which rules were in play and rethinking our collective relation to each other. Once all of my energy had gone, I went into kitten mode and curled up to Panda’s warmth, slowly falling asleep.

I was given a curfew to be home before or by but things didn’t go according to it. Despite that and the yelling that came with it, the relief of being in such a soothing vibe was enough to hold me over.

Happy Holidays

Our holiday was Christmas. It fell on a Sunday this year and it was such a crazy morning. Christmas felt different this year, not as jolly, not quite magical. Christmas felt like a Monday morning on a Friday and I wasn’t sure how to feel about any of it… My mother wanted everyone to be in some church service. She wanted us to go to our church but, as always, we were late. She wanted us to go to my aunt’s service but, we ended up missing that one as well – er, we being her and I. Two of my brothers went to catch the last 30mins of service at our church while my youngest joined my aunt. Me and my mother went to their house and waited on them to come home. I was in high spirits Christmas morning. My father surprised us with two small Christmas trees and presents. I was wearing an outfit that made me feel confident in my masculine side and I wanted to be out of the house just to show off. My mood was kind of thrown off with something I read my aunt say to my mother when she asked me to read her a new text she’d received. In that moment, I wanted to go home because I figured that wasn’t the only thing that would be said or done. And, of course, it wasn’t. When she got to her house, she had asked me to take a picture of her and my grandmother – oh, but not without asking where my outfit came from. I sat to the side and let the provoked dysphoria have its way with me. I just wanted it to pass so I could try and enjoy the rest of the day.

Luckily, the evening perked up and things went smoothly after. Once all of the family had shown up, we blessed the food and had dinner. One thing that I did notice is how little I eat. That is to say all of the filler foods and fast foods really haven’t had much content. And I noticed it when I realized how much food I had eaten and how much I packed into my to-go parcel. Jamaican dinner is divine especially in the cold and in the midst of family. Once everyone had eaten and had their belch, my cousin’s “White Elephant” game went into play. By the end of the game, everyone is supposed to have a gift, whether they pick one from the lot of take someone else’s. I was not at all pleased with my gift. My first two gifts were taken and my third was very unsettling to the touch. It was a poorly wrapped, toddler’s-forearm-sized bottle of Niquil. What was I supposed to do with it? Yes, I was very upset; yes, I had many regrets; yes, I tried to trade with everyone. My uncle was kind enough to “buy” it off of me for $10 so I left happy.

When I had gotten home, I had to pack because my family and grandmother would be going to Canada the next day to see my great-grandmother. Before I did, me and my siblings opened the presents my father had brought us. We all got a speaker tower. I tested mine out immediately and I was instantly pleased. It packed it back in its box and went upstairs to start packing. I wasn’t entirely for going all the way there only to come back the very next day, but I also didn’t have much say in it either (as per usual). The one good thing that came of the trip personally was that I had the opportunity to put one of my Christmas gifts to the test. I’ve always wanted a pair of Axent Wear cat ear headphones and I got them in green. I was pleased to have them, I was pleased to use them, I was pleased with their quality, and I will protect them with my life. As we do whenever we see my great-grand, we played the piano and sang a few songs for the rest of the seniors at her center before leaving.

We got home Wednesday morning at about 3am. I did nothing more than set my bag down, turn my heater on, strip, and go straight to sleep. Later in the day, I did my personal chores but only after lying in bed for an hour after I woke up.

The New Year is right around the corner and I have a few resolutions I need to (re)establish. But I’ll save that for another post. It’s still dreadfully cold and the only thing I can think to drink is hot chocolate or tea. There are a few other things I need to update on but I’ll save those for their completion. For now, I bid everyone an overdue Merry Christmas and a Happy Holidays to everyone else.


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